Today I had the unfortunate experience of going Christmas shopping. I procrastinate and do my shopping close to the 25th, a fact I usually blame on school becoming hectic right about the time my family is passing around their lists. Thus I must wait until school goes to recess for the semester to actually commence shopping. This being said, Christmas shopping is like my own personal circle of the Inferno, where I am continually punished by demonic store employees referring me to opposite ends of the store to find the elusive widget I seek.
As I seem to do in all walks of my life, I even began to sort the Christmas shoppers in to various groups (mathspeak: equivalence relations). I began to see various types of shoppers such as the Warrior, the Dawdler, the Hesitant, the Impatient, and the Epic. Gracious readers, please take advantage of your ability to comment anonymously and add to this list as you see fit.
The Warrior
The Warrior is perhaps the easiest of all Christmas shoppers to identify. As the name suggests, this shopper is on a quest, and every opposition to their aim is a battle to them. Neither snow, nor rain, nor normal flow of traffic shall impede their search for the polka-dot sweater their Great Aunt Brenda requested. These are the shoppers that make their way through the crowds with all the grace of a rhinoceros, but with much more noise. They will use their carts as weapons, bruising your shins and banging your elbows. Warriors are best left alone, as battles with them usually result in raised tempers, perhaps a shout or two, and a much less enjoyable shopping experience afterwards.
The Dawdler
The Dawdler has already completed 99% of their Christmas shopping. The one and only gift they have left to get, therefore, causes them such little stress that they feel free to take their sweet time moving about the aisles of the store. If you have ever had the misfortune of getting behind a Dawdler in one of those increasingly narrow store aisles that makes passing impossible, then you, too, have felt the frustration of going slower than a drunken slug. Ironically, I seem to see more Dawdlers as it draws closer to Christmas, and thus those more like me, who procrastinate, find their slow, relaxed pace of life enraging.
Another interesting facet of the Dawdler is that they are normally found in pairs. These two friends find nothing wrong with plodding along in a slow manner in order to enjoy their companion's conversation. Should you ever be stuck behind two Dawdlers, resist the temptation to become a Warrior and be glad that you're moving at all, because you could be dealing with...
The Hesitant
The Hesitant cannot make up their mind. In spite of the fact that they have already picked up the same candle and the one next to it 47 times, they still are unable to choose between the cream candle that smells like strawberries and the strawberry candle that smells like cream. Somehow, by some act of Satan, the Hesitant always manages to wind up directly in front of the item you need (and have already chosen to buy). There you are, hunched over your cart in an attempt to use everything you know about body language, languishing, because within 5 feet is the perfect gift for your mom, but yet it is still blocked by this dolt of a shopper who needs to start researching Christmas gifts in March in order to pick them out in a timely manner.
The Hesitant can take many forms, I must say. I think I have even been the Hesitant at times. The Hesitant may be a grandparent confused by the newest video game systems, or perhaps a parent trying to pick out the right CD for their teenager, or maybe a boy unaccustomed to an X-chromosome-only area, such as Hallmark, searching for some gift for a girlfriend (that would be when I'm the Hesitant). The Hesitant usually means well, but nevertheless clogs aisles in ways that the Dawdler could only fantasize about.
Also, should you ever have the fortune to see it, a Warrior encountering a Hesitant is a comical affair. Given an very effective Hesitant with a large shopping cart, the Warrior may do a small dance around the Hesitant, resembling a bee dancing to indicate the position of the nearest flowers. Yet, the Warrior is helpless against the brick wall of indecision that the Hesitant builds, and is forced, like the rest of us, to wait their choice.
The Impatient
"I can't believe we have to wait 10 minutes in line on the 23rd of December. Why don't they have more registers open? Doesn't anybody work here?" Ever heard those words, or something like them? Yup, you guessed it, that's the Impatient.
The Impatient gets easily frustrated when something is out of order. They feel that open complaints will magically bring more employees to the registers or out on the floor to help them find the perfect gift. When the Impatient finally does corner an employee, if anything goes wrong they make sure to voice their displeasure with body and voice, rolling their eyes and raising their arms because the Office Max store had run out of the super-sale keyboard they had advertised since last Tuesday.
These people get to me sometimes, I have to admit. It's Christmas season. You have to understand that things are going to be slow, or at least slower than in July when you Impatients last ventured into the mall. Complaining about your circumstances will not bring help to you, and more likely, it will probably drive help away because employees are frustrated at dealing with Impatients and Warriors all day long.
The Epic
The Epic is the Christmas shopper most like me. The Epic is determined to do as much shopping in one shot as possible. In my case, it's all of it. It doesn't matter if it's going to take three hours or ten hours, the shopping must be completed! Unlike the Impatient and the Warrior, the Epic understands that the going will be slow and steady, and so it is more of a survival test than a battle for the Epic. The Epic carefully plots the most efficient route, keeping in mind possible detours, alternate stores, and places of nourishment. Yes, armed with a list, a cell phone, and a full tank of gas, the Epic sets out and shall not return until the task is completed! Other Christmas shoppers may annoy the Epic, but never to the point of losing sight of the goal. And the goal will be reached, no matter what the cost. The Ring must be de---I mean the presents must be purchased!
So there you have it: my renditions of the Christmas shoppers. Please feel free to add whatever comments you wish to contribute to this discussion. Thanks for reading!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Christmas Shopping
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2 comments:
My dear Andy, once again I am here to to add to your sparkling repartee. I love your analysis of the Christmas shopper, but it begs the "X-chromosome-only" explanation that I'm sure you'll find just as flummoxing as Dividend Growth Model was to me. You're always so observant and your classifications are brilliant. Before I add my own category of shoppers, however, I'd like to analyze and explain your shoppers from a socio-psychological perspective.
The Warrior
The Warrior is the shopper on a quest, but where does he/she find this strong internal motivation? Their striving for high personal regard has made them display aggressive behavior in an age-old situation of using threatening gestures. This helps to avoid more serious violence.
The Dawdler
The Dawdler considers shopping to be a social, not a competitive, experience. Their motivation lies in their strong sense of satisfaction from shopping as conditioned reinforcement. I have often seen Dawdlers in my local Wal-Mart who are not really there to do serious shopping at all, but who, it seems, simply went to the store to see who was also out pretending to shop.
The Hesitant
I must admit that I've often been a Hesitant. The concept to understand here is that even though a Hesitant may have had a list prepared, he or she is suddenly exposed to a plethora of options or variations on the gift they were looking for. The Hesitant cannot process how to deal with these new possibilities, and therefore stalls the shopping progression. They have poor shopping coping strategies.
The Impatient
The Impatient is also the Worst Procrastinator. Poor planning leads Impatients to let their emotional reactions flare, a coping response that is effective in the short term, but doesn't relieve their encounter with the aversive stimulus. Yes, these people get on my nerves too.
The Epic
The Epic is actually closer to the Dawdler in psychological motivation. Although the Epic may be frustrated and slowed at times by other shoppers, he or she has developed the perseverence to deal with stressors effectively. This perseverence is learned from intermittant reinforcement, when the Epic is able to get the gift he or she wanted after much patience.
The Unprepared
These are the people who realize they need to do Christmas shopping, but lack the ability to actually plan before rushing out to the store. The Unprepared is the person who clogs aisles while perpetually on a cell phone, asking what color Aunt Brenda wanted or asking for gift ideas from wife, sister, or distant relation. As I was writing this post, an Unprepared happened to call our house, mistakenly thinking I was "Jenna" in his frantic shopping daze. Poor soul.
So there you have it. I enjoyed expounding on your use of representativeness heuristics. I hope I didn't entirely burst your Christmas "soap bubble". ;-)
Your Evenstar
I love it! Trying to decide which one I am though...you raise an interesting point. I must say that I am extremely happy I was able to comprhend this entry as it pertains to a favorite hobby of mine. Jennie would be enthralled as well!
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